'My parents’ marriage is toxic and they argue all the time'

25 July 2023 , 06:21

1261     0

They are in their early 70s, but act like a couple of teenagers (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

My parents are in their early 70s, but act like a couple of teenagers and I’m struggling to cope with it.

Their marriage has never been good. Growing up, my siblings and I got used to their arguments, it was just the norm.

They’d have blazing rows and throw horrible insults at each other, then make up and act like nothing had happened. They didn’t even try to hide it from us. Needless to say, we all left home as soon as possible.

My mum is outgoing and has lots of friends – male and female – which she uses to wind up my dad, talking about how great this bloke is and how successful some other guy is.

Strictly's Molly Rainford and Tyler West fuel romance rumours while on tour

He retaliates by threatening to leave or telling her to “go off with one of them if they’re so great”.

It’s upsetting for me and I’ve no idea why they don’t just separate because surely they would be a lot happier?

They invite us over all the time, but none of us want to go and, when we do, they inevitably drink too much and have a go at each other. To be honest, I don’t want my kids around them because I know how damaging it is.

They’re not bad people as individuals, but they shouldn’t be together. When I’ve suggested counselling they’ve told me it’s “mumbo jumbo” and whenever I’ve brought up divorce, they both say they’re too old now and it would be a nightmare to sort out their finances. How can I cope with this going forward?

Coleen says

I think couples who’ve been together a long time become co-dependent, even if the relationship is toxic.

And just because your parents find it challenging to live together doesn’t mean there’s no love there. It’s sad and difficult for you to understand, but relationships are complex.

But you and your siblings are adults now, so maybe you need to stage an intervention. Get together and explain that while you love them, you no longer want to witness arguments or be dragged into them. You need some boundaries – if they start arguing, leave, or if one of them is insulting the other, cut off the conversation and say you don’t want to hear it.

Their reasons for not divorcing sound like excuses to me – you’re never too old and there’s always a way to sort out finances and assets, even if it’s difficult to do so.

I don’t think they want to divorce, so it’s up to you and your siblings to set your own boundaries when it comes to dealing with them and, hopefully, you’ll feel more at peace.

Nail salon refuses to serve disabled teen saying it 'doesn't do people like her'

Coleen Nolan