'I'm worried about leaving our baby with my irresponsible in-laws'

04 January 2024 , 17:31

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I'm worried about them being involved with our new baby (Image: Getty Images/Westend61)

Dear Coleen

I’m a married man in my 30s and I really struggle with my in-laws, who are chaotic and irresponsible.

My wife has incredible tolerance for their behaviour, I guess because she’s used to it.

They’ve let us down on more occasions than I care to mention here, but just to give you a couple of examples: they “forgot” to show up to let our movers in when we moved house, causing us so much stress; they looked after our dog when we went on holiday last year and lost him (luckily he showed up two days later); and they booked a restaurant for my wife’s 30th birthday, only to get the time wrong.

My wife is now pregnant with our first child, due in March, and I’m worried about her parents being involved. There’s no way I’d want them looking after our baby. We can’t rely on them for the simplest of things and I don’t trust them. Plus, their house is like a hoarders’ paradise and would be a death trap for a small child.

I’m really anxious about how things are going to go because obviously my wife will want her parents to be involved with their grandchild. It’s impossible to change them, though, so I don’t know where that leaves us. I wish my wife could understand where I’m coming from, but their behaviour is normal to her. Help!

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Coleen says

Maybe your wife does ­understand how you feel, but it’s a tough situation for her because she loves her parents and wants them to be involved.

You sound frustrated, but remember that you and your wife are the ones in control and any decisions you make regarding your baby you’ll make after a discussion. Take a breath and try not to jump too many steps ahead.

Firstly, you won’t leave your baby with anyone until they’re a bit older, so stop worrying. Her parents can see the baby and be involved without being responsible for childcare. Not every parent uses their parents for childcare. Also, they managed to bring up your wife to be the wonderful woman you married, so give them a chance. As hard as it is with in-laws sometimes, you have to give in to the fact that you’re different people with different attitudes.

They sound disorganised, but it doesn’t mean they won’t be loving grandparents. They might surprise you and turn out to be very good at it. And, while they might not be your go-to for childcare, they can provide your child with other things: fun, patience and most certainly, love.

Coleen Nolan