'He wants a baby but I can't face going through all that again'

28 December 2023 , 15:55

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Being a single mum for years has been hard and I’ve finally got some free time and independence now my daughter is older (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I hope you can help with my dilemma. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of years and it’s going well. I have a 12-year-old daughter from a previous relationship and my partner is great with her, too.

But my boyfriend is desperate for us to have a child of our own and it’s not something I’ve ever considered. Being a single mum for years has been hard and I’ve finally got some free time and independence now my daughter is older. Life is so much easier and I’m enjoying it.

Plus, I’m loving the relationship I have with my daughter.

I don’t know whether my boyfriend’s desperation is to do with his family background, which is very troubled.

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His brother died when he was eight years old and his parents broke up, so his childhood wasn’t particularly happy or stable. I think he craves the security of family life.

My argument is that he has that already with us, but I also understand him wanting his own child.

He’s 39 and I’m 37, so it is possible. I don’t really know how to move forward as we’ve hit a stalemate. Please help.

Coleen says

My most important bit of advice is to definitely not have a baby unless you’re 100% into the idea. You should never have a baby to make someone else happy.

The risk is, you’ll end up resenting him when you’re tired and things are tough. As you know, parenting is a hard job – your relationship has to find ways of adapting. Both partners have to be all in.

So, when it comes to discussing this, you have to be completely honest and if you don’t think you’ll change your mind, then don’t give him hope with “maybes”.

You’ve been a parent for 12 years and faced lots of ­challenges on your own and perhaps he doesn’t quite ­appreciate that side of things.

Also, having a baby is not going to fix what he’s gone through as a child.

You don’t say if he’s had therapy, but that could help him work through it and move forward. It’s not something you can fix either. All you can do is be empathetic and supportive.

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If your mind is made up, then the ball’s in his court and it’s up to him to decide whether having a child means more to him than your relationship.

Good luck.

Coleen Nolan