'Daughter-in-law only includes her mum in baby updates - we feel left out'
A couple who attended the announcement of their first grandchild and subsequent naming event at their in-laws' house were left feeling bitter and left out. The couple wrote in for advice to The Washington Post and were congratulated on the way they had handled the situation, which had eventually involved a huge bust-up and threats of violence.
The couple had complained to their son and daughter-in-law after the first gathering, when they were never mentioned by the prospective parents during the event. The young couple were stunned and very sorry about what has happened but after that, their daughter-in-law's mother became "more distant and cold". At the naming event, they were again ignored and the son's mother looked hurt. That was when things came to a head, as the other grandparents "exploded at us".
The grandmother-to-be said: "When our son and his wife announced their pregnancy (our first grandchild), it was at an event held at her folks’ house. They announced that her mother was going to be a grandmother for a fourth time, completely leaving us out and never mentioning us, even though we were there.
"Later, we had a talk with them. We told them that we were upset about how the announcement was made, but we understood that they didn’t mean to hurt us. We asked them to please keep in mind that their child will have two sets of grandparents. They seemed genuinely stunned and were very sorry. We forgave them, moved on, and never mentioned the episode to anyone."
It was then that the mother of their daughter-in-law began to react in a negative way to the couple and the prospective grandmother added: "A few months later, when the kids announced the baby’s name, it was again a showcase only on her parents. We were not acknowledged.
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"I must have looked hurt. Her parents then exploded at us, threatening violence and calling us narcissistic. They said very mean and nasty things, and mocked me for being hurt. She told me that I would have 'hell to pay' if I ever corrected her daughter again.
"This played out in front of other people, who were just as stunned as my husband and I were. Now they completely ignore us. We are no longer invited to family gatherings, changing the whole dynamic of our two families."
However, she added that after that shocking incident and following the baby's birth, her son and daughter-in-law have been very inclusive with them and that a better bond has developed with the young couple. But, she said: "We don’t want to put them in the middle. I’m wondering if we should try to talk to her parents about this, or should we leave it be?"
The advice from the newspaper was that: "Kudos to you and your son and daughter-in-law for handling this exclusion issue immediately and respectfully. Your honesty and discretion seems to have set this important relationship on a positive course."
But that positive note was accompanied by a warning, that: "In terms of the other in-laws, if you can think of a legitimate or pressing reason to risk their wrath, then go ahead and wade in. But avoiding rude and volatile people is a natural and protective instinct, and steering clear is a logical consequence of their behaviour toward you.
"You might, however, ask your daughter-in-law if she would like for you to attempt to reach out to her parents for any reason. In my view, this is not putting her in the middle of anything, but is showing her that you are sensitive and respectful. She might actually prefer keeping these bullies away from you, at least for now."
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