We just argue and rarely have sex since we became parents

31 October 2023 , 18:23

525     0

At least twice a month we have a huge argument (Image: Getty Images/EyeEm)

Dear Coleen

My daughter is a year old and both me and my husband are totally in love with her. However, we’re first-time parents and this past year has put a strain on our marriage.

We have been together for a few years, so we know each other well, or so I thought.

He’d always been such a laid-back person but now he’s irritable, snappy and unreasonable.

At least twice a month we have a huge argument, which usually starts over something small and always ends with us not talking and sleeping in different rooms.

Strictly's Molly Rainford and Tyler West fuel romance rumours while on tour

Last weekend we had some friends over during the day with their kids for a bit of a celebration, as it was my birthday and a friend’s birthday.

My husband and I barely said a word to each other during the party so, when we got to bed that night, we had a huge ­argument over it. We were both tired and had had a couple of drinks, which didn’t help.

I’m not really sure where we’re going wrong; we never used to argue. Sex was always good, too, but now we hardly do it. It’s difficult for me to pinpoint when things started to go downhill, but I could really do with some advice.

Coleen says

I don’t think it’s complicated. I think you’ve stopped communicating because there’s a little person between you, which massively changes the dynamic of the relationship.

And it’s probably happened gradually over the months rather than being down to one moment or incident that you can pinpoint.

My advice is not to wait until you’re angry to have the conversation about getting things back on track – talk to each other when nothing’s happened.

And get out of the house to do it, go to a pub or a restaurant where you can’t shout or sulk and you have to listen – and just be honest.

Ask the question: What’s going on with us? You have to be prepared that some of what he says will be to do with you, so acknowledge it and don’t instantly be defensive.

You can’t do this on your own – you have to work it out together, so you have to listen, be reflective and own your part in things.

Nail salon refuses to serve disabled teen saying it 'doesn't do people like her'

When my kids arrived, I remember wondering what my partner and I argued about when it was just the two of us.

Every row seemed to be about the kids or because of them.

Parenthood changes everything and it’s hard to focus on your relationship when you’re exhausted and busy all the time, so make space for each other.

Coleen Nolan