Parenting expert tells mum and dads to stop asking a very common question

18 October 2023 , 14:54

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She has urged parents against asking 'Can you' questions (stock photo) (Image: Getty Images)

A parenting guru has warned mums and dads about a question they should never ask their children if they want them to do as they are told without any arguments. She advises parents to avoid giving their children the chance to say 'no' to them by not asking 'can you' questions which, as you'd expect requires your kid to offer a reply, whether it's the one you wanted or not.

In a video on TikTok, theconsideratemomma says that for those aged three and above, try offering 'critical thinking questions', and for the little ones, as they need clearer directions, but make sure you use "playful parenting". The TikTok creator, who has 1.7 million followers, said: "The very common parenting habit that I see parents get stuck in that winds up backfiring in their faces and I want to know if you get stuck in this cycle.

"This cycle is posing an instruction in the form of a question to your child. Here's what that looks like, 'Hey, it's almost time to leave, can you get your shoes on, it's time for bed, can you brush your teeth, can you get your pyjamas on, can you eat a bite of your chicken, can you try some of that broccoli?

"Does anyone spot the potential issue with this? If you ask a question you need to be open to hearing the answer 'no'. And what happens, we say, 'can you go put your shoes on' and they say 'no, and we're like 'don't disobey me'. If you're going to ask a question you want to make sure you're asking a critical-thinking question that gets your child into action or you're giving age-appropriate instruction that gets your children into co-operation."

In the video, which has been viewed 67K times, she provides the solution, saying: "So here's what that would look like. 'We've got about 10 minutes until we leave, what do you need to get done before we leave?' This one's good for children about three, three-and-a-half and older. If you have little ones they need more clear direction on what to do. I might say 'are we going to put your flipper fins in shoes today, or are you a big stompy elephant that's going to stomp around in his shoes. Playful parenting always gets the little ones into action or co-operation."

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And other users of the site agreed, with one saying: "My husband does this. My daughter says no and I tell my husband – well you gave her a choice. She chose no. So." While another said: "We learned this with teeth brushing! 'can you' fails, 'red or green tooth brush tonight?' worked! Another hard-pressed mother said: "I think we do this because as polite adults, we ask other adults nicely for things instead of telling them what to do. Doesn’t work for kids."

Paul Donald