Psychological reason you're attracted to best friend's partner

28 September 2023 , 14:53

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An attraction to your friend's partner is known as 'mimetic desire' (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

It doesn't get much more awkward than fancying your best friend's new partner. But while you might feel bad about those feelings of instant desire, you can rest assured that there is in fact a scientific reason behind the attraction.

It is a phenomenon known as 'mimetic desire' - a term coined by the French philosopher and literary theorist René Girard.

Mimetic desire is desire according to another, or desire according to a model. Imitation is the force that shapes human desire, and, as such, people desire things because someone else - a model - did first.

Girard further explained in a Stanford essay, that those who emulate the desires of others - in this case fancying your best friend's partner - are ensuring 'perpetual strife and rivalry with those whom they simultaneously hate and admire'. But once a person becomes 'the enemy', then the third stage of 'mimetic rivalry' commences, when you and your friend end up competing over the same thing.

Of course, actually falling for your friend's love interest can have disastrous results. One woman previously revealed that she was appalled when her best friend's husband sent her flirty Facebook messages - and decided to let her pal know, only for it to massively backfire.

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Taking to Reddit, the 31-year-old woman explained that the two women had been best mates since she was 15 years old. Although something always felt "off" to her about her husband of five years, she'd always kept such feelings to herself, reasoning that sometimes you just don't like someone.

However, after getting the flirtatious messages, she knew she had to be straight with her pal, however difficult that might be. "I expected her to be upset but I was surprised when she got upset with me," she shared. "She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first.

"I told her I'd never do that to anyone last of all my best friend and pointed out how clearly disgusted I was by what he'd written, I then told her I was worried because if he'd do this to her best friend what was he doing with women who didn't know her?"

Her friend left still angry with her, and they haven't spoken since. She's tried sending her a few messages but hasn't had any joy. She continued: "I hope it's just misplaced anger and she needs time to come to terms with this. I don't know what else I was supposed to do, surely sitting on this and not telling her would have been worse?"

Gemma Strong