14 August 2023 , 19:32
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Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my thirties and I’m really struggling with my mother-in-law.
I know it’s a cliche and you’ll get hundreds of letters from despairing daughters-in-law, but mine can upset me and wind me up like no one else.
I’ve been married to her son for seven years, yet she’s still cold and snooty, and looks down her nose at me.
Sometimes when she’s had a drink, she’ll be a bit warmer, but it’s always been clear to me that she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her golden child and that he married beneath him.
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She once told me that having babies ruined my figure.
On another occasion, she said I’d have to try extra hard to keep up with my husband and his friends, hinting that my husband would dump me if I let myself go.
Everything I do, she can do better, whether it’s hosting a dinner or baking a cake.
She’s even turned up at our house with her own food and table decorations.
Here’s the problem. Everyone else loves her and thinks she’s hilarious and a real character. I just think she’s incredibly rude.
My husband’s friends fawn over her as well, which makes me feel sick.
I don’t think she should get away with the things she says because it’s “just the way she is”. Please help!
Coleen says
She sounds charming! Well, the people who thinks she’s a brilliant character obviously don’t have to deal with her all the time. I’m sure she is fun at a party, but not so much as a mother-in-law. You’re seeing the other side.
I understand the predicament you’re in because you don’t want to come across as jealous or a trouble maker if everyone else loves this woman.
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However, I agree that “It’s just the way she is” is a phrase often used to excuse rudeness and bad behaviour. Perhaps she’s still struggling with letting her “little boy” go.
But you shouldn’t feel bullied or diminished by her behaviour and if she’s rude to you, I think you have a right to say: “That’s not a nice thing to say”. Also, have a conversation with your husband and explain how you feel, and tell him you will call her out in the future if she says something to upset you.
Suggesting your husband might dump you if you let yourself go is horrible and it’s something that he should pull her up on.
I think the way to approach her is not to be angry or confrontational, but to make her reflect on the way she treats you. Tell her you’ve been hurt by some of the things she’s said and that she makes you feel as if you’re not good enough.
Explain you want to get along and have a good relationship. Hopefully, she’ll be embarrassed enough to do better.