08 June 2023 , 17:02
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Dear Coleen,
I know cancer has affected your family and that you have experienced loss, and I would really appreciate the benefit of your wisdom.
My dad has just died from secondary cancer. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life, seeing such a fit man reduced to what he was like at the end.
At the moment, I can’t sleep, I cry all the time and I just can’t get my head around my dad not being here any more.
I even made an appointment with a medium to see if I could get a message from him, but she was awful and just kept asking questions instead of actually telling me anything, and was really vague.
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Do you believe we go on somewhere else after we die? I just want to know my dad’s OK somewhere and that we’ll see each other again one day.
I hoped he would send us some kind of a sign that he was at peace and that our spirit lives on but, as yet, nothing. I’m struggling with the grief and don’t know where to turn, and would welcome any advice you have to offer.
Coleen says
I’m so sorry you lost your dad and I can tell your emotions are very raw, which is to be expected. Grief takes a long time to process and it’s different for everyone.
It can help to think that you wouldn’t want your dad to still be suffering and also to know that he wouldn’t want that either. Also, think about how he would feel if he knew you were struggling like this.
When I lost my sister Bernie to cancer, I knew she’d had enough of the pain and, while I was feeling absolutely heartbroken, I also felt relieved she was at peace.
Personally, I don’t feel I need a sign from her because she’s in my heart and I can look back now at my life with her in it and only remember good times, and that brings me massive comfort. But it’s hard at first to recall those good times because the upsetting images of your loved one suffering are still so vivid. This does get easier with time.
In terms of trying to contact your dad, I’d hate for your despair to be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous medium.
However, if you believe in it and it brings you comfort, then you have to believe that your dad is fine and is in a better place, free of pain and distress.
My advice would be to try bereavement counselling (speak to your GP or visit cruse.org.uk), and let the sign be whatever you want it to be.
If you decide the sign is a rainbow, a robin or a white feather, then you’ll start to see a lot of them and think of your dad.
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When you’re ready, it also helps to get together with other people who loved your dad and share good memories and stories to keep him alive in your hearts and minds.