24 May 2023 , 17:15
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Dear Coleen,
I’m a man in my late 30s and was having an affair for over a year, then my wife found out and it’s been hell ever since.
Initially, I left my wife, but she talked me into going back for our two young children, saying it wasn’t fair on them and they missed me. However, I’m not in love with her any more and no amount of talking or therapy is going to change that.
Since moving back home, I’ve left several times to be with the other woman; she’s the one I love, and I want to be with her.
But I’m really struggling with guilt over my kids because I miss them so much when I’m not at home.
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Whenever I try to have a sensible conversation with my wife, she just shuts me down or gets furious and calls me all the names under the sun.
She uses emotional blackmail to get me to stay by saying the kids will forget me and, if I leave, she’s not going to make it easy for me to see them.
I’m not proud of having an affair and I know how much I’ve hurt my wife, but our marriage had been struggling for years; she just refused to acknowledge it or talk about it.
I want us to stay friends and parent together, but I can’t get through to her. She seems to think if she’s difficult and refuses to talk about divorce then I’ll stay.
She’s in denial. Please help.
Coleen says,
She’s hurt and desperate and is chucking everything at you, even using the kids as a bargaining tool.
However, she needs to be aware that the kids will grow up resenting her if she tries to keep them apart from you.
The bottom line is, whatever she threatens you with isn’t going to change the situation or how you feel, and you have to get that across to her in a kind way.
Relationship counselling or mediation might provide a way forward. But, naturally, she’s angry and heartbroken because you betrayed her and she feels her whole life is crumbling around her.
She can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, but I hope she’ll realise in time that she deserves the opportunity to meet someone who loves her back.
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Clinging on to someone who doesn’t want to be with you is a horrible, lonely experience that breeds insecurity, and crushes self-esteem. Try to agree to put the kids first. What’s not fair is raising them in a toxic atmosphere with a sad mum and a father who keeps leaving.