23 May 2023 , 17:06
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Dear Coleen,
I’m a single woman in my 30s and I’ve developed a huge crush on a male friend who’s in a serious relationship.
He’s been with his partner for years, although they’re not married and don’t have kids.
We’re all part of a bigger group of friends and I’ve always found him attractive and sought out opportunities to talk to him one-on-one.
I used to think that if our timing had been different and we’d been single at the same time, we might have ended up together. He’s very sweet, kind, handsome and successful – he’s got the whole package.
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Lately, I’ve been seeing quite a lot of this couple – parties, nights out, a friend’s wedding – and I’ve found myself obsessed with this guy. I’m thinking about him all the time.
When I’m getting ready to go out, I even pick my outfit with him in mind.
I know this is becoming a problem and I don’t want to do anything about it, as I want to keep them both in my life as friends, but I’m struggling because I like him so much.
I know if he showed an interest in me and I’d had a couple of drinks, I’d go for it.
What can I do about these feelings and will they pass?
Coleen says
Yes, I think these feelings can pass, but you need to give yourself a fighting chance. He’s attached to someone else, so nothing can happen (keep reminding yourself of that) and then stop going out of your way to engage with him or be alone with him.
If you’re at a party and he’s there, make a conscious effort to talk to other people. And if you find it hard to do this, then back away from this group of friends for a while and focus on other areas of your life.
Part of it is that he’s there, right under your nose, but he’s also “out of bounds”, which makes him even more attractive. So remove yourself from the situation.
Also, think about his partner – who is also your friend – and put yourself in her shoes.
Think just how devastating it would be to find out that something was going on between the two of you if the tables were turned. It’s important to look forward and not dwell on what might have been.
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There are plenty of single guys out there, but you won’t meet them while obsessing over the one you can’t have.