17 May 2023 , 16:23
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Dear Coleen,
My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years. We had an affair and left our spouses to be together, which was horrendous at the time.
Because of how we got together, things have never been easy with our exes, and his kids and mine still don’t accept our relationship and make things very difficult for us.
My dilemma is, my partner’s daughter is getting married this summer and she’s invited him, but not me. Obviously, his ex will also be there and I’m convinced she’ll make a play for him, as she’s never moved on with anyone else.
They will be spending a couple of days together at a hotel and I just don’t trust her not to pull something.
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When I spoke to my partner about how I was feeling, he got quite angry and frustrated, saying it was his daughter’s wedding and asked what I expected him to do.
I know he can’t not attend his daughter’s wedding, but I hate the fact that I can’t be there and I can’t stand the thought of them playing happy families while I’m at home, worrying.
I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
OK, you might not trust his ex, but you should trust him.
I think your insecurity comes from the fact your relationship started as an affair and somewhere, in the back of your mind, you worry he’s capable of cheating on you, too. But has he ever given you any reason to think he’d go back to his ex?
I think this insecurity means you’re overreacting, so perhaps what you need to ask him for is a bit of reassurance, rather than giving him a hard time over going to his daughter’s wedding, which of course he’s not going to miss.
Be more confident in yourself and your relationship.
Obviously, if anything did happen between them, then you have to deal with it. But you’re pre-empting something that actually seems very unlikely to happen.
The situation with your kids sounds stressful, plus not being able to attend events together as a couple is going to put a strain on your relationship.
Once this wedding is over, I’d suggest focusing your attention on trying to find a way forward with your children.
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They’re clearly carrying a lot of resentment. But the fact is you have been together 10 years now and all your lives will be better if they can come to accept the relationship and be more positive about it – even if they don’t like it.