24 April 2023 , 16:51
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Dear Coleen
I’m a 65-year-old woman and soon to be a pensioner.
I have mobility issues and I’m very limited in terms of the things I can do, so I’m also fairly housebound.
My problem is, my seven children, who are all adults and married with their own kids, think I’m still able to look after my 11 grandchildren (not all at once, of course).
My grandchildren range in age from babies to teenagers and I find it so hard to look after them. It’s a task just trying to take care of myself.
I had no one to help me when I was a young widow, but somehow I coped and raised my family. However, my children still keep expecting certain things of me or they move in and out of my home, often leaving it turned upside down.
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I don’t know how to tell them I’d just like to enjoy what’s left of my life without all this stress.
It goes without saying that I absolutely love seeing my grandkids, but not the looking after bit or the mess they leave behind. I’d love your advice on this sensitive situation.
Coleen says
I think I might say exactly what you’ve just said to me.
Tell them you love them all, but you’re tired and struggling to do things for yourself, and don’t have the energy any more to look after children. Say you love seeing your grandkids, but can’t be a carer any more.
Just because you’re related, doesn’t make it a given that you’re an unpaid carer.
I think your situation is different from having a grandchild stay for the odd night or come over for a couple of hours in the afternoon.
And if you find it hard to say it, write them a letter or an email, or show them this letter you’ve sent to me.
And explain that it’s not just the looking after, it’s the clearing up afterwards.
Honestly, most people find it hard to say no, especially to loved ones, but you have to when your health and wellbeing are at stake. If you don’t, they’ll carry on taking advantage of the situation.
So, be brave and stand up for yourself and, trust me, they’ll get over it.
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You’re now at an age where they should be supporting you, but if you haven’t made your feelings clear, then they might think you’re OK with it and enjoy it.
They should be thinking about your wellbeing and inviting you over to see the grandchildren with no expectations or responsibilities.
You can do it – good luck.