23 March 2023 , 10:24
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The dream scenario for tired parents is to put their child to bed, for them to stay there, and then for parents to get a bit of 'me' time to relax. But in the majority of cases, the best-laid plans don't...well, go to plan. And a parenting expert has suggested this may be because you're putting your kids to bed at a set bedtime.
Kirsty Ketley, 42, who was a nanny for 25 years, insists that having a 'child-led' approach to bedtimes will yield much better results, and will leave parents feeling a lot more relaxed if the cues of the kids are followed.
Kirsty tried a 'child-led approach with her children Leo and Ella, and it worked... (Courtesy Kirsty Ketley / SWNS)
...and she recommends it to all parents struggling with their children's sleep (Courtesy Kirsty Ketley / SWNS)In her 25 years as a nanny, Kirsty was made to follow strict routines handed down by parents, such as the 'seven until seven' routine - but when she gave birth to her daughter Ella, now nine, prematurely in 2013, she realised sticking to the same sleep pattern was almost impossible.
To rid the "frustration" they were feeling, Kirsty and husband Stuart, 41, decided to focus their parenting in a different way, allowing their household to "be more child-led, while keeping some structure." This involves letting the children decide, or indicate when they're ready for bed.
So they react to how tired their children are, or how busy they've been when it comes to their bedtime.
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The pro says the secret is to always maintain the same pre-bed routine, and hers includes no screens for the last 30 minutes before bed, reading a book, and dimming the lights.
Kirsty has now set up her own sleep consultancy business to help frazzled parents, advocating for an intuitive approach, which takes children's feelings into account, rather than a rigid routine.
The mum-of-two from Crawley, Surrey, said: "I do see the merit and routine for children, because it does obviously help them thrive, and bedtime routines are good, but I think parents can focus too much on a set time that the children have to be asleep.
"I was a nanny for many many years and had various parenting books given to me to follow over the years for parents who wanted certain routines for their children, for example, the seven till seven, sleeping routine.
"We always do the bath and bedtime routine, but sometimes it might be half past five because, when they were babies for example, they hadn't napped so much during the day or now because we've had a really busy physical day they might go to bed earlier.
"You can't be too strict on a certain time. But the lead-up to bedtime I think needs to be the same.
It's important to keep the same routine for children because it helps promote sleep so it helps them relax and get into good sleep habits early and sleep better.
"There has been research to show that watching television right to the last minute before bed isn't necessarily going to promote good sleep. We all know that as adults if we're scrolling on our phones before bed it can impact our sleep and it's the same with children."
Kirsty also said it is important to treat each child as an individual with different sleeping patterns.
"My daughter used to be quite an early riser and this is partly why we realised we didn't need to be too strict on a planned bedtime as well," she said.
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"We realised that she actually survived really well just on 10 hours sleep. Of course, all the books and things would always tell you your child needs 12 hours sleep. But even now she can go to bed around nine o'clock and sleeps for 10 hours, and she thrives really well on that.
"However, my son is more of a 12-hour sleeper and we figured that out when he was younger that he needed more sleep.
"It's just very individual; they both had the same upbringing, I've done the same things, but both of them are very different in how they sleep."
As well as following children's natural preferences for longer or shorter sleeping habits, Kirsty said it is also normal for bedtimes to vary with the seasons.
Here are Kirsty's top tips for developing a relaxing sleep routine:
- Try not to fixate on exact timings but do maintain a clear routine
- Read stories with your children
- Turn screens off an hour before bed
- Play relaxing music before bed such as children's lullabies
- Teach your child mindfulness breathing techniques to help them self-settle
- Go through the alphabet, thinking of four girls' names and four boys' names for each letter
- Make sure rooms are not too hot or cold
- Include a warm bath or shower in the night-time routine
- Use dimmer lighting in the room before bed
Would you try a more child-led approach to your children's sleep? Let us know in the comments.