22 March 2023 , 15:39
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A therapist has revealed the major mistake couples make that causes a break down in their relationship. Sinead Smyth, from Alameda, in California, has been working as a marriage and family therapist for 23 years - and claims most of her struggling couples all have the same thing in common.
She says a lot of their problems stem from what they shout during arguments, when their main interest is defending themselves rather than understanding their partner's point of view. Speaking to Today, the certified Gottman Institute therapist said: "In the heat of an argument, it's not going to come out well. So I usually check myself, give myself three seconds.
Sinead Smyth has 23 years experience on the job (The Gottman Institute)"Don't fire off when you're in conflict. Take a break, even if it's just a few seconds, and make a decision about whether it should be said or not and how you're going to say it."
Sinead, who works at the East Bay Relationship Centre, urges couples to reconsider their words if they're only saying them to hurt their partner.
She said it is important to remember there's always going to be disagreements in relationships - but that doesn't mean you can't resolve them without raising your voice and thinking about your words.
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When speaking about maintaining a healthy relationship, she says the biggest trick she uses with her own husband is a policy of "turning towards".
This means leaning into or fully engaging with a conversation when your partner extends a "bid for connection", providing them with the attention they need in that moment.
She claims this enables partners to grow closer as they're learning how to communicate with each other on a deeper level.
But that's not the only advice she has, as she wants to remind couples not to underestimate the power of small acts of kindness.
She added: "That would be my takeaway is that it's about doing certain small, low-level things consistently."
Sinead would couple this with weekly dates, no matter how long you have been together, as she believes it provides partners with a chance to reconnect after going about their daily lives.
She said: "We're not talking about kids or logistics. We're asking the big questions like, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'
"We're just really trying to stay with who the person is as a person rather than the logistics and chores and tasks."