'A younger coffee shop worker has made me question my marriage'

15 January 2024 , 20:12

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One reader tells Coleen a younger man has made her question her marriage (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen,

I’m a married woman in my late 30s and I’ve struck up a friendship with a younger guy in his early 20s who works in a coffee shop where I go regularly to work on my laptop.

One day he noticed I was reading a book he’d loved, so we got chatting about it and now the highlight of my day is ­grabbing time to talk to him. He’s very easy on the eye and if I’m honest with myself, I am attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on sleeping with him or having an affair, but I love his company and he really gets me, which is more than I can say for my husband right now, who’s self-absorbed and selfish.

All he’s interested in is his boring job and I can feel myself drifting further and further away from him. I don’t for a minute think the coffee shop guy is someone I could realistically make a life with, but I love that fact he’s interested in me, kind to me and pays me attention. Am I playing with fire with this friendship and what does it say about my marriage?

Coleen says:

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What it’s saying is that you need to talk to your husband and be honest about your feelings. When you’ve been together a while, life is mundane at times, but it’s also lovely to feel so comfortable with someone that you can come home, put your PJs on and be completely relaxed.

As for the guy in the coffee shop, of course it’s nice to know that he finds you interesting and attractive. You’re married, not invisible! However, it’s about how you choose to react to these situations and you’re smart enough to realise the friendship is potentially dangerous and shouldn’t go any further.

You enjoy chatting to each other about books and other things, but it doesn’t mean you want to (or should) spend the rest of your lives together, or jump into bed with each other.

What this has done is open your eyes to the fact that you’re a bit bored at home and feeling neglected. You’ve learned this important fact, so that’s what you should focus on. Things at home won’t ­miraculously change unless you have a conversation and discuss what you can do.

And, when you’re on your own, imagine life without your husband – you get home from work and he’s not there, he’s not next to you in bed at night, he’s not around to laugh and cry with. Write down all the things you’d miss and you’ll probably be surprised. Then imagine him setting up a new life with someone else and how that would make you feel.

Coleen Nolan