18 December 2023 , 18:50
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Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s, divorced with two young children. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for two years and we’re very happy. But my mum disapproves of her, which upsets me and it’s a struggle not to react, so I usually just ignore her comments.
My mum doesn’t think my girlfriend is up to taking on two kids and thinks the relationship can’t go anywhere. My girlfriend is actually lovely with my kids, but she’s not trying to be their mum. We don’t live together and when my kids come to stay with me (two weekends a month), my girlfriend will usually do her own thing, leaving me to spend some proper time with the kids.
This year, I’m having the children for Christmas Day, as my ex will be with her fiance and his family, and my girlfriend has decided to spend the day with her family. My mum hit the roof, saying my girlfriend should be spending Christmas with me and the kids and said she “questioned her commitment”. I’m angry that my mum made that comment but, at the same time, I wonder if there’s any truth in it. I’d love it if you could shed light on the situation.
Coleen says
If I put myself in your girlfriend’s place, I’d want to be part of your family life and I’d want the kids to be part of my life – to love me, not as a mother figure, but to like me enough to want me to be around. When children are part of the equation, it’s good to take it slow in the early stages of a relationship and it’s really important for you to have quality time with your kids.
However, two years down the line, I think a conversation is needed. You need to be clear with each other about what you want in the long term. Your girlfriend obviously loves you, but maybe she doesn’t want to be a step-parent, so backs off when you have the kids. Would you be happy with that in the long run?
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In my opinion, if you’re looking at this as a serious, relationship with a future, it has to be a blended family and the work has to start now. So, I understand your mum, although she’s possibly not getting her point across in the best way. She’s thinking: “This woman isn’t interested in my grandkids”, and is worried. You come as a package and anyone you date must accept that.