13 December 2023 , 17:15
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Dear Coleen
A few months ago, my fiancee found out I’d been having an affair with a colleague and dumped me. The woman in question was single and for me it was just about an insane physical attraction. I didn’t love her like I did my fiancee and didn’t see a future for us.
I didn’t want the affair to end my relationship, but it did and there’s no going back. My ex’s family despise me now, and so does she for that matter. I was devastated and realised too late what a huge mistake the affair was. If I could turn back the clock, I would.
My dilemma now is that my colleague has been in touch to let me know she’s keen for us to get back together. I’m currently single, so it’s tempting. She’s very attractive and we have a lot of fun together, but I still don’t see us in a serious relationship. Plus the whole thing feels tainted now because of what happened.
I don’t know what to do. If I did start seeing her it would be mostly about sex and companionship, but is that enough?
Coleen says
You seem to be blaming “the affair” and colleague you were sleeping with, so I’m not sure you’ve really taken responsibility for what happened.
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You were the one engaged to be married and you’ve learned a lesson: you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. It sounds as if you’d just be seeing this woman because she’s there and it’s easy to fall back into. However, I sense you’re coming at this from different angles – she’s looking for a relationship, but you’re looking for no-strings fun.
It doesn’t seem like you’d be compatible and I think you should be honest with her about how you feel, so she knows where she stands. Things clearly weren’t right with your ex (at least from your point of view) or you wouldn’t have had the affair. Whether you admit that to yourself or not is a different matter.
I think you need some time out from relationships full stop until you work out what it is you’re looking for and to give yourself time to heal from your broken engagement. And, when you do meet someone you really like, don’t make the same mistake. Even great relationships have rocky patches and you have to work through them together.