20 November 2023 , 17:25
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Dear Coleen,
I’m a guy in my late 20s and have been dating my girlfriend for about six months. We met on Tinder and live near each other, and instantly had a strong connection.
I find her really sexy and fun to be with, however, sex is a bit of a problem for me. It’s fine when we get going, but she has to have everything perfect before we start, which kind of takes any spontaneity and some of the fun out of it.
The lighting needs to be right, the bed needs to be perfect, there can’t be any noise at all or it “puts her off” and so on. Sometimes we’ve spent so long sorting all this stuff out that I’ve lost the urge and it ends up feeling like I’m going through the motions.
I have brought it up with her on a couple of occasions, but she says she needs to be relaxed and having things how she wants them sets the mood etc.
I don’t know what to do, as I’ve never been with anyone like this before – everything has happened pretty naturally with previous girlfriends.
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Coleen says:
Well, how about, instead of waiting until you’re ready to have sex to create the right mood, sort it out ahead of time in case you fancy it later?
You know what she likes now, so have the room set up and then when you are in the mood, there’s no messing about. I think that could be a big turn- on because it shows you’ve thought about her and what she needs. I understand how you feel about this routine taking away spontaneity, but my advice would be to keep talking and working each other out. It’s still quite early days in your relationship.
However, if a partnership is going to succeed into the future, compromise is crucial. It’s about meeting each other halfway and sometimes going the extra mile for the other person, even if it’s inconvenient for you or you’re not interested.
Give it a go to see if you grow together, but perhaps sex is the one area where you’re not that compatible and it’s a pretty important part of the relationship to be out of step on. However, understand that it does take a bit of time to learn things about each other and how the relationship is working (or not, as the case may be), so don’t make any knee-jerk decisions right now.