'Brother won't tell daughter truth about how she was conceived - it's cruel'
A conflicted individual has been left in two minds when it comes to their young niece, who they believe deserves to know the full truth about how she was conceived. According to this concerned aunt or uncle, the little girl, who is now a toddler, was conceived using a donated embryo, and her parents have no intention of ever telling her.
Their brother and parents have told them to drop the subject, stating that it isn't their place to tell while their sister-in-law became angry and "yelled" at them after they brought it up. Although they agree they shouldn't be the one to tell the child, they also feel "uncomfortable" about "lying" to her for the rest of her life, or until she finds out the truth on her own.
In a letter penned to Slate agony aunt Prudence, the worried relative wrote: "Their view is that the embryo was genetically screened so my niece will never 'need' to ask any health questions about their family history. I told them that was perfectly f***** up. People have a right to their own histories and what made this any different from a regular adoption?"
They went on to express their opinion that "transparency" is always the best option in the long run, pointing to an example of a friend of theirs who endured a "brutal" time after discovering they were the product of an affair after their mother's death. Going forward, they're now unsure of how to proceed.
Although they believe it really should be up to their brother and sister-in-law to tell the truth, they're now wondering whether there's anything more they should do. They also aren't quite sure how they'll respond should their niece ever find out for herself.
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In response to the letter, Prudence agreed that honesty would be the best policy in this situation, with an "early and often" being much more effective than a "big, dramatic, potentially upsetting announcement." As difficult as it may well be to sit with this sort of information, however, Prudence urged the letter writer to not do anything to act on it, as her parents' reaction could well prove quite hurtful.
With this in mind, Prudence advised: "What your niece really needs is to hear the amazing story of how she was created from people who are prepared to answer her questions, and who make sure she feels good about it in part because they feel good about it. She does not need to hear the truth and then be handed back to parents who feel weird, ashamed, and secretive and who wish it could have been different. Kids are so perceptive—they notice this stuff! That would be worse than not knowing at all."
She continued: "When she does find out (and you're right, she will) your response should be something like, "Yes, it's so cool how it all worked out! What an amazing story. I'm ridiculously grateful for modern medicine and the people who donated the embryo for helping to bring you into the world because you're one of the best things about our family and I love you so much."
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