'My marriage has not been right since lockdown - we're just existing together'

09 October 2023 , 16:58

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Spending so much time holed up together really killed the romance, plus, like a lot of other people, we had to cope with a great deal of stress and uncertainty over work and finances (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen:

How do you know when it’s time to consider a divorce? I’m a woman in my early 40s, married with two children at primary school.

My husband and I had a great marriage before the Covid ­lockdowns, but I don’t think our relationship has ever been the same since.

Spending so much time holed up together really killed the romance, plus, like a lot of other people, we had to cope with a great deal of stress and uncertainty over work and finances.

Things are OK now, but they’re just “OK”; sex is OK, we get on OK, but, if I’m honest, nothing is great. I don’t look forward to seeing him when we get in from work and find I’m retreating more and more to spend time on my own, so we’re hardly ever in the same room.

Most of our conversations revolve around the kids or some financial issue. We’re easily irritated by each other and small disagreements or issues can blow up very quickly into a row.

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I just can’t help thinking it should be better and that maybe it’s come to a natural end. I know you’ve been divorced twice and would love your insight.

Coleen says:

You’ve reached a point where you know the relationship is in crisis, but before you make the massive decision to go down the divorce route, you have to talk about it.

Somewhere along the line, you’ve stopped communicating on a meaningful level.

It could just be that you’ve lost your way because you’ve been so focused on looking after children and solving money and work issues, and you’ve forgotten about each other.

Towards the end of my second marriage, it felt like Ray and I were two lodgers living in a shared house, but I didn’t wake up one morning and think, “This is over”. The realisation that we didn’t want the same things any more happened gradually over a couple of years.

It was no one’s fault, there were no third parties involved, but the kids had grown up and we were left with each other and it was clear we had little in common any more.

When I finally made the ­decision to divorce, I was 100% sure it was the right thing to do and had no doubts, only sadness it hadn’t worked out.

So, I don’t think you should put pressure on yourself to make this life-changing ­decision, and you certainly shouldn’t make it the first time you start having these feelings.

I’d recommend getting professional support – couples therapy or individual counselling – because it helps you get a lot into perspective.

If your marriage was great pre-Covid, you have a good chance of working through this, as long as you’re both committed. Good luck.

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Coleen Nolan