Mum of disabled child leaves parents in tears with brutally honest comment
Caring for a child is difficult, stressful, and challenging but looking after a baby or someone with special or complex needs can make everything that little bit harder. Depending on the circumstances, you may need additional medical, financial, and emotional support, completely changing the life you planned for yourself and your child.
Unless you’re in this situation it is impossible to imagine how hard it might be for parents, who are managing a myriad of feelings for their child and themselves. Shedding a little light on what some mums and dads are going through, and wanting to vent and open up on what she’s experiencing, one mother has bravely shared her circumstances on social media.
Posting anonymously, the woman wrote: “My child is alive but not really. I just have to let this out. I have a good friend whose baby really did pass away so I can’t say s**t. My son is 14. He’s non-verbal, in diapers, and needs help with all basic care. He’s the sweetest, he’s happy, he giggles and hums all the time but that’s it.
“I thought I grieved but now that he’s this age. I can’t stop crying. I was big into sports. There are no sports. There are no camps he can go to because of diapers (yes we’ve tried it all, we’ve accepted this is our lot in life. We’re fine with that). There’s no homecoming, there’s no boyfriends or girlfriends, there’s no prom, there’s no teaching him how to drive or grounding him for sneaking out. There’s nothing. It’s like he died in 2009. And I just have the shell.
“I got to get pregnant once. I got to have one child. And that’s it. I’m close to 40 and I got one chance. I was fine ages two to now but now it’s real. Now my friends are having babies and my nephew is growing up. I have a perpetual toddler. My life isn’t the same as anyone else. I have a great job and career. Support-ish system. My husband said we can adopt and help older kids - but it’s not the same.
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“Because my son will be the same age year after year no matter who we adopt or help. I’m stuck. Why am I even building a career? I love my job but what is the point? So I can pay for diapers? I am just beside myself in grief. And yet, he’s alive. So how can I complain?”
The brutally honest post was met with an outpouring of support from people who thanked the mother for her comments. One person wrote: “You are totally entitled to feel that way. Sometimes it’s just too much, and your frustration is easily understood. Taking care of someone 24/7 isn’t for everyone and it takes a very strong person to do that, you’re doing incredible and it’s ok to feel stuck.”
Someone else penned: “I lost my three-year-old to cancer a few years ago, and as a bereaved mother, my heart breaks reading your post. For what it’s worth, I give you permission to fully grieve and complain. The roads we walk are different, but they are both filled with the loss of hopes and dreams. Not only do you mourn the future you longed for with your son, but you mourn the lost chance at another pregnancy, another baby, and any grandchildren. Please never think your losses aren’t as real as mine. I’m so sorry for your sadness.”
One person shared their own story, writing: “I had a friend in elementary school who had chronic kidney disease, he had to wear a monitoring device on his abdomen 24/7. I remember towards the end of fifth grade, he invited me and a few other friends to a sleepover at his house. Late at night, I woke up to use the bathroom and I saw his mother crying over him as she was fixing something on this machine he had to sleep attached to. I wasn't quite old enough to understand her more complex emotions, but I knew she must've been in pain. I can only imagine your own scenario. You have every right to want to break down, it's only human. Grief is a spiral, not a circle.”
After reading the messages the woman added an edit thanking everyone for their words. She wrote: “I had no idea this would blow up as it would. I can't express how cathartic this was. All the stories and beautiful messages have helped me heal and move past this grief wave I was in. Thank you to everyone who commented, I'm still trying to keep up. I hope this was a space for others to feel heard and not feel alone. Thank you.”
If you've been affected by the contents of this story and live in the U.K., you can call Contact's free helpline on 0808 808 3555 for support. If you live in the U.S., please visit Care.com for a list of useful resources.
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